Recovery Wins: When you feel like giving up on eating disorder recovery
Written by ‘Ai Pono Hawaii Staff Writer
The road to recovery is mostly uncomfortable. At times, it’s even painful. But it does get easier over time. And you will experience so many “recovery wins”, or positive changes in eating disorder recovery.
Read on for:
What to expect in eating disorder recovery
The great and the hard parts of recovery — and why it’s worth it even when it hurts
What we mean when we talk about “recovery wins”
Big and small recovery wins
Wins that have nothing to do with your eating disorder
What those “non-ED related” wins mean for you
If you’re reading this post because you’re not sure whether you should start recovery: no one who has recovered from an eating disorder has ever said they regretted it. But a lot of people in recovery say they regret waiting so long to start the process.
What to Expect in Eating Disorder Recovery
(Spoiler alert: It’s going to be hard. And it’s going to be worth it).
Do not expect the eating disorder treatment process to be quick or go smoothly.
Unfortunately, adequate access to eating disorder treatment is difficult for most people.
The most common barriers to treatment include:
Lack of insurance coverage
Inability to leave home to get life-saving treatment
If you have the privilege of receiving formal treatment for this life-threatening illness, this is a thorough explanation of the entire treatment process and practical tips for getting through it. It is important to note that, although treatment is a privilege, it is also extremely hard and — at times — physically and emotionally painful. It’s normal to not want treatment at some points. At the same time, it’s your best shot at recovery — so it’s really worth it to go if you can.
Related: This is how to pay for eating disorder treatment, even without proper insurance coverage.
Expect a rollercoaster of emotions.
In the beginning and throughout eating disorder recovery, you’ll probably feel a lot of fluctuating emotions:
Fear and anxiety
Motivation to get better
The desire to run back to your eating disorder
The desire to “just be recovered already”
Resentment of those trying to help you
Extreme levels of discomfort as your coping mechanisms are taken away
More fear and anxiety, as the underlying things motivating your eating disorder start to surface
More confident as you continue down the path of recovery
Do not expect perfection in recovery.
You will definitely experience slips and setbacks in recovery. You didn’t “fail” in your recovery just because you listened to your eating disorder.
Recovery is a war between you and your eating disorder — and just because your eating disorder wins a battle, doesn’t mean that it wins the war. You won’t love every moment of eating disorder recovery. It is not all conquering fear foods and loving your body, not at first.
But, as you continue to let go of your eating disorder, you start to make room for the things you truly want to focus on.
Do not expect to exercise early on in recovery.
Many people who start eating disorder treatment mistakenly think that they can still exercise in a “normal” way.
But there are a few flaws there:
People with eating disorders don’t know what a “normal” amount of exercise is.
Many people develop an unhealthy relationship with exercise to compensate for eating.
Exercising while trying to reach your body’s set point weight will stall your progress.
Current “health and fitness” culture is a poorly repackaged form of diet culture.
Some eating disorder treatment providers may allow for gentle restorative movement like very light stretching. But this is usually later on in the recovery process.
Related: This is how to tell the difference between healthy and unhealthy levels of movement.
You will probably experience physical discomfort as eating patterns normalize.
Bloating, gas, swelling, night sweats, and a number of other physical side effects will most likely come with recovery from any eating disorder.
It’s normal, and it passes. It is not a reason to go back to your eating disorder.
You might experience weight fluctuations in recovery.
Not everyone with an eating disorder loses weight. And less than six percent of people with an eating disorder are clinically “underweight.”
But anyone who engages in some form of weight suppression will most likely see changes in their body. It’s hard to accept that, and your body may feel foreign to you for a long time. At this point, it’s completely acceptable to focus on anything but your changing body. Wear loose-fitting/comfortable clothing, avoid mirrors and dressing rooms for the most part — essentially, avoid triggers that put your recovery at risk.
Later on, you’ll work on reducing body checking behaviors like compulsive weighing, staring at windows as you walk around, comparing yourself to others, etc.
Related: What is body checking and how do I stop?
Do expect both “big” and “small” wins in recovery.
Recovery “wins” are achievements that indicate progress in recovery.
They can be “big”, like stepping down from a higher level of treatment, and they can be “small”, like spontaneously having a snack. All recovery wins are valid. Here are some common ones to expect in eating disorder recovery…
“Big” Recovery Wins
1. Admitting you need help.
Admitting that you have a problem, or that you have slipped back into your eating disorder, is not a sign of failure. It’s the very first step towards recovery, which makes it the biggest recovery win of all.
2. Reducing compensatory behaviors.
Whether you’re in a formal eating disorder treatment program, working with a therapist, or are getting support at home, you will get treatment recommendations.
These include reducing (and eventually stopping) compensatory behaviors like compulsive exercise, purging, or abusing laxatives. It also includes reducing your level of restriction as a way to “compensate” later on for the nutrition you take in earlier in the day.
3. Following your meal plan.
In the very beginning of eating disorder recovery, you will probably receive a meal plan. Or someone else, like a parent, will be responsible for preparing your meals.
It’s unlikely that you will get right into the swing of eating regularly, and stopping all compensatory behaviors, at the same time. Meeting more of your meal plan — and then your entire meal plan — is huge.
4. Engaging in therapy.
At some point, you’ll open up to your therapist or support system. You’ll actually discuss what motivates your eating disorder and come up with ways to handle triggers when they arise.
5. Stepping down a level in eating disorder treatment.
If you do go through formal treatment, there are “levels” of treatment. You may stay at a treatment facility 24/7, then move down to a day treatment program, then only go two or three days a week. Every time you move down a level, you get back more of your independence, and more chances to prove to yourself that you can do recovery.
6. Throwing out the scale, deleting calorie counting apps, etc.
Getting rid of any and all triggering things really shows progress in recovery. It’s a show of commitment to recovery. And it’s another way of taking control away from the eating disorder, and moving forward with your life.
7. Getting (and following) hunger cues.
Engaging in eating disorder behaviors, even for a little while, can severely impact your hunger cues. So don’t expect to always enjoy or even feel like it makes sense to eat every time you sit down to a meal or a snack. And don’t expect to only feel hungry during established meal and snack times. You may experience extreme or emotional hunger throughout recovery, and honoring it is a huge recovery win.
Later on, your body will send natural hunger cues. Then, you can start intuitive eating — which is the end goal of recovery in terms of nutrition intake.
8. Not feeling ashamed or guilty about eating.
Almost all people who suffer from eating disorders feel some level of guilt or shame around eating. You may feel like you are not worthy of the amount of food you are eating. The instant that you stop feeling guilty for eating is honestly one of the most wonderful recovery wins out there.
Note: Feelings of guilt and shame will probably fluctuate. And that’s okay. Still, take the win when you can.
Everyday Recovery Wins
1. Going to events, even if there is unplanned food involved.
Eating disorders thrive in isolation. At some point in your disorder, you probably avoided an event because you feared being around foods that are “unsafe.” Every time you go to an event — any event, no matter how big or small — and eat something you didn’t personally prepare or plan for is a recovery win.
It’s a double win if you eat at an event with a dress code that requires you to wear something you’re uncomfortable in (like a wedding.)
2. Trying a new fear food
You probably have a list of foods that are “off limits.” In recovery, you will most likely do exposure therapy to conquer your fear foods. And every single one, whether the food makes you mildly uncomfortable or terrifies you, is a win.
3. Eliminating your “subtle” eating disorder behaviors
This could include reducing the amount of small compulsive movements you do or eliminating subtle food rules like always eating with utensils. These behaviors aren’t necessarily devastating. But they are small ways that your eating disorder keeps its hold on you. And they hold you back in some way.
Every rule you break is a win — even if it's as small as cutting your sandwich up into four pieces and not twenty.
4. Accepting your body, even for a moment
You will not love your body as soon as you start recovery, or even when you’ve come really far in your recovery. You may never love your body. But you don’t have to.
But there will come a moment when you don’t associate your body with your self-worth. At some point, you will feel not-awful in your body. Just for an instant, there’s this sensation that you could really live in your body without feeling the need to change it just to be happy.
At some point, even for a moment, you will accept your body just as it is.
Negative thoughts might crash through your mind and heart a second later, but that moment happened. Hold onto every moment like this — they all matter, even if it doesn’t seem like it right now.
5. Wearing something you want, just because you can
It’s very likely that you spent a lot of time hiding your body, both in your eating disorder and in recovery. At some point, you might just see something you’d like to wear. Your eating disorder might say that you can’t pull it off.
But the moment you decide that you can and will wear whatever you want is huge.
Wins that Have Nothing to Do with Food or Eating
Technically, these wins happen because of recovery. These wins indicate that you are in control of your life, not your eating disorder. And they also indicate some level of self-acceptance.
1. Engaging in work, school, volunteering, etc.
Some people have to leave school or work to focus on recovery. It is a full-time job. But going back to school, work, volunteering, or whatever else you were doing before your eating disorder took over is a sign that there is life after your eating disorder.
There’s even a point when you go from recovering to recovered.
2. Starting (or getting back to) something you really want to do.
Doing something you love, something that has nothing to do with your eating disorder or even recovery, means that you are shedding your eating disorder identity, and replacing it with who you really are.
You’re finding your identity outside your eating disorder, and you’re one step closer to full recovery.
Related: Are you facing an identity crisis now that you’re not engaging in your eating disorder, or have left treatment? Read this.
3. When your eating disorder (or even recovery) isn’t the biggest chapter of your life anymore.
Right now, your eating disorder recovery is probably the biggest, most time-consuming part of your life — whether you’re in a treatment program, or recovering out in the community. It’s the biggest part of your life because it has to be.
You have to put everything you have into recovery — otherwise, your eating disorder might squeeze itself back into your life when you’re not even paying attention.
Before going back to “real life,” you need to take the time to:
Completely stop disordered behaviors
Develop better coping mechanisms
Dig into the underlying issues that fueled your eating disorder in the first place
Build the resilience necessary to handle triggers when they arise
But at some point, your eating disorder voice will have less power. More time will pass between those darkest points of your life, and you’ll do other things. You’ll stop identifying as “the person with an eating disorder” or “the person in recovery.” You’ll become “the person who recovered”, and a whole lot of other things. Maybe you’ll become an advocate for eating disorder awareness, or a sounding board for others who are struggling. You could start a new career, build a business, have a family — you could do and be anything you want.
At the very last stage of recovery, you don’t have to identify with your eating disorder anymore. You may have little urges or moments where you struggle. But as a recovered person, you recognize that you’re not that person anymore.
They say recovery is a labyrinth, a journey back to HOME — letting go of your eating disorder completely is the destination. It’s a scary one. But it is a really beautiful place to get to.
If you or a loved one is suffering from an eating disorder, achieve your first recovery win today: talk to someone about recovery, or simply learn more about the holistic eating disorder recovery programs we offer.