When you think of recovery from an eating disorder you may think of therapy appointments, supported meals with other those in your treatment program, process groups, and diving into your copy of Intuitive Eating with your dietitian. While these components are important stepping stones to freedom from your eating disorder, the most important ingredient may be surprising: self-compassion.
Learning to treat yourself with kindness, respect and patience is the foundation that recovery is built on.
Read on to learn more about:
- What self-compassion is all about
- Why those with eating disorders often struggle to treat themselves with compassion
- Why striving for progress not perfection in recovery is important
- 5 ways to begin showing yourself compassion
- How leaning on your support is a vital part of self-compassion
What Is Self-Compassion?
Self-compassion involves treating oneself with the same kindness, concern, and support one would show a good friend when facing failure or difficulties, fostering an attitude of understanding and patience towards personal flaws and challenges.
As an example, if a person makes a mistake at work, instead of spiraling into self-criticism, they might acknowledge the error as a human moment, learn from it, and move on without berating themselves.
Eating Disorders & the Relationship with Oneself
When suffering from an eating disorder, self-compassion can seem like a distant oasis in the desert of self-loathing. However, it is a powerful tool that can transform our relationship with ourselves, our bodies, and our recovery.
Eating disorders are complex conditions that often stem from a harsh and critical relationship with oneself, or a very disconnected relationship with oneself. Individuals who battle with these disorders frequently set high and sometimes unattainable expectations for themselves, leading to a cycle of self-doubt and dissatisfaction. This cycle is not only about food or weight; it delves deeper into how they view themselves and their self worth. The need for control, perfection, and the fear of failure can drive their actions, putting them at a constant war with their own identity and body.
The secrecy and shame associated with eating disorders exacerbate this tumultuous relationship. Many individuals feel isolated believing that they must hide their eating disorder from loved ones. This secrecy feeds into their condition, as the shame of not living up to perceived expectations or the fear of being “found out” adds an extra layer of stress and anxiety. It’s a vicious cycle: the more they hide their condition, the heavier the burden of secrecy weighs, reinforcing negative self-perceptions and further damaging their relationship with themselves.
Perfectionism often plays a pivotal role in the internal conflict experienced by those with eating disorders. The relentless pursuit of an unattainable ideal can lead to significant distress, exacerbating feelings of inadequacy and failure when these unrealistic standards are not met. This perfectionism often extends beyond body image and eating habits to other areas of life, such as academic or professional achievements.
The Role of Negative Self-Talk
The prevalence of negative self-talk among individuals with eating disorders can often be traced back to a deeply ingrained fear of not meeting societal, familial, or personal expectations. This internal dialogue is usually harsh, overly critical, and unrelentingly judgemental. Self-talk refers to the inner voice that narrates our moment-to-moment experiences, a running commentary that can either uplift or undermine our confidence and self-esteem. For someone with an eating disorder, this inner voice tends to amplify their worst fears and insecurities, constantly reminding them of perceived failures, flaws, and inadequacies.
For example, after eating a meal, a person might think, “I shouldn’t have eaten that. I have no self-control and will never reach my goals,” instead of acknowledging the nutritional value and necessity of the meal. Or, when looking in the mirror, their self-talk might be dominated by criticisms about their appearance, completely overlooking their unique qualities and strengths. This negative self-talk perpetuates the cycle of eating disorders by reinforcing harmful beliefs about oneself, thereby obstructing the path to recovery and self-compassion.
Recovery Expectations: Progress Not Perfection & Why Self-Compassion is Needed
Self-compassion is a critical component of the recovery process for individuals battling eating disorders. It serves as an antidote to the relentless cycle of negative self-talk, perfectionism, and the harsh self-criticism that characterizes these conditions. By adopting a stance of self-kindness rather than self-judgment, individuals can begin to heal the relationship with themselves, laying the groundwork for genuine recovery.
One of the paramount times to cultivate self-compassion is during the recovery process. Recovery, contrary to many initial assumptions, is not a seamless trajectory towards wellness. Individuals often enter recovery harboring expectations of perfection in their healing process. However, the reality is far more complex and challenging with a mix of victories and setbacks. When individuals are overly critical of themselves for experiencing slips or relapses, it significantly heightens the risk of abandoning the recovery process altogether, sinking back into the debilitating cycle of shame and secrecy. In this fragile state, nurturing a sense of self-compassion – acknowledging setbacks with kindness, understanding, and care, rather than judgment or self-criticism – becomes indispensable and can be the life-changing tool needed to continue forward.
Small Acts to Be More Self-Compassionate
The power of small, intentional acts of kindness towards oneself cannot be underestimated. These acts can serve as building blocks for a stronger foundation of self-compassion. Below, are 5 ways to nurture self-compassion no matter where you are on your journey:
Be Your Own Best Friend
In moments of distress or difficulty, envision treating yourself as you would your best friend. This mental exercise encourages a kinder, more compassionate response to personal setbacks. Pause and consider, “If they were in my shoes, what would I say, think, or do?” This perspective shift helps you extend the same understanding and patience to yourself that you naturally offer to others.
Write A Letter To Your Younger Self
Writing a letter to your younger self can foster self-compassion and reflection upon your growth and strengths. This exercise is especially important when dealing with feelings of grief over time lost to an eating disorder. By taking time to reflect back—whether it’s to a decade ago or just last year—you can acknowledge your circumstances and the reasons you relied on your eating disorder. It’s a moment to reassure both your present and younger selves that you are diligently working towards freedom, even when the battle is hard. This method connects you with a deeper, more compassionate side, offering understanding and kindness to both versions of yourself, facilitating emotional healing and self-forgiveness.
Mantras & Words of Encouragement
Learning to combat negative self-talk is crucial in fostering self-compassion. Incorporating mantras like “I am enough,” “This too shall pass,” and “I am worthy of love” can significantly boost spirits in difficult moments. You can do this by setting alarms on your phone with these affirmations, leaving sticky notes in visible areas, or setting your phone’s background to showcase your favorite statement. Every glance or notification becomes an opportunity to pause and reaffirm your value internally.
Celebrate Your Wins
Celebrating your accomplishments during recovery, no matter how big or small, is important. These achievements can range from resisting eating disorder behaviors and urges, to positive developments like returning to school, deepening relationships, or forming new friendships. Establishing a daily ritual of writing down 1 to 3 things you’re proud of, even if it is simply getting out of bed or attending a social event, reinforces positive self-recognition and builds self-esteem. If you struggle to do this on your own, consider asking a loved one to partake in the practice with you and sharing them whether in person, on FaceTime, or by text each night. You could also bring your list of accomplishments to share with a member of your treatment team to process and acknowledge progress together.
Do Something For You
Self-compassion involves deepening your relationship with yourself, recognizing what truly brings you joy and contentment. It’s about acknowledging when it’s time to slow down, prioritize rest, and perhaps indulge in a nap. Treating yourself to a relaxing manicure, something you might usually bypass, emphasizes the importance of self-care. Each act of kindness towards yourself reinforces the notion that your well-being is paramount, fostering a nurturing environment where self-love can flourish.
Leaning on Your Support Team
A support system in recovery, comprising family, friends, and a treatment team, becomes a pillar of strength and encouragement. Recognizing the importance of allowing these individuals into your healing process is an act of self-compassion in itself. It symbolizes acknowledgment that you don’t have to shoulder the burden of recovery alone. These support networks offer love, encouragement, and a safety net during moments of vulnerability. Opening yourself to this support is a courageous step towards self-compassion, ensuring you’re surrounded by care even in your lowest moments.
The path to recovery from an eating disorder is neither short nor straightforward, but it is one that can be navigated with self-compassion. It is in the gentle act of self-forgiveness, kindness, and care that we find our strength and our way back to a healthy relationship with food and our bodies.
If you’re on this path, remember to be patient and gentle with yourself. You are not alone, and you are worthy of the compassion you so readily offer to others. Your recovery journey is uniquely yours, and every step you take, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant, is a step towards reclaiming your life.
If you need help along the way, help is available. ‘Ai Pono is proud to help those in recovery through evidence-based, trauma-informed care. Reach out to us today to learn more.
