So many online resources will tell parents what to do if their children have an eating disorder. But what about if you are one of many parents with eating disorders? How do you tell someone, “I’m a parent and I have an eating disorder,” when eating disorders are perceived as a problem exclusively for teenagers?
Keep reading for answers to these questions, along with:
- Why pregnancy can trigger an eating disorder or a relapse
- What to do if you are pregnant and suspect you are developing a problem with food, body image, exercise, etc.
- How to get help if you are a parent with an eating disorder
- Whether you should tell your child you have an eating disorder
Note: Parents of any gender and sexuality can develop an eating disorder, including male or nonbinary presenting individuals. Pregnancy, and the challenges that come with it, are not exclusive to cis women, either. Keep this in mind while reading.
Pregnancy and Eating Disorders: Triggers No One Talks About
EATING DISORDERS DURING PREGNANCY
With pregnancy comes a lot of mental and physical changes, including weight gain. Weight gain during pregnancy is expected and necessary, and yet it can wreak havoc on an individual’s body image and even their sense of self. This is especially true for women who were always regarded as “slim”, but gain weight during pregnancy that sticks around after their child’s birth (another common experience.)
This can either trigger disordered eating behaviors, or cause a relapse in people who were previously firmly rooted in recovery.
Many pregnant individuals report struggling with binge eating, as they see pregnancy as a time where they don’t “need to” diet. These individuals have often been dieting for so long that the welcome “break” from restricting the amount or type of food they eat lends itself to bingeing.
It’s not all bad, though: Many report that pregnancy causes a decrease in eating disorder behaviors, as individuals do not intend to harm their growing child, or because they are more appreciative of what the body can do rather than how it looks.
POSTPARTUM EATING DISORDERS
While having a baby itself is considered an incredible and beautiful thing, there are several things that can cause an eating disorder or eating disorder relapse after giving birth, including (but not limited to):
- Birth trauma
- Co-occurring mental health issues, such as postpartum depression
- Emotional stressors
- The need for control when everything — your career, relationships, and sense of self in general — is shifting, simply because you’re a new parent (or you’ve had another child)
- Social pressure to “lose the baby weight”
- Postpartum dieting, overexerice, etc. to lose weight
- Lack of support in caring for yourself and your new baby
I’m a parent and I have an eating disorder: What should I do now?
1. TELL ANOTHER TRUSTED ADULT.
The first step to eating disorder recovery is stepping out of the darkness and secrecy of an eating disorder and into the light. To do this, you have to tell someone else.
This can be a spouse, one of your own parents, a friend, a therapist, your doctor, or even someone in an eating disorder chat line.
2. DISCUSS TREATMENT AND SUPPORT OPTIONS WITH A PROFESSIONAL.
Get an evaluation from an eating disorder therapist or treatment center to determine what kind of support you need to jumpstart recovery. You might need an outpatient treatment team, with a therapist, dietician, and physician. Or, you might need formal eating disorder treatment at a treatment facility.
It’s important to strike a balance between your treatment needs and your life responsibilities. Leaving work or your children for several hours or days at a time might not be an option right now, but it might be necessary — life-saving, even. Consider this as you consider your options.
Related: Here’s how to pay for eating disorder treatment with or without insurance.
3. ARRANGE CARE FOR YOUR CHILD OR CHILDREN SO YOU CAN FOCUS ON EATING DISORDER TREATMENT.
Whether you need someone to watch your child/children for an hour every week so you can focus on therapy or you need to arrange for them to stay with someone for weeks while you seek residential or inpatient treatment, it’s important to give yourself the space to focus on yourself.
Remember, it’s not selfish of you to take the time for yourself. In fact, it’s good for you to recover now, so you can give the best possible care to your children later on.
Discuss your options with friends and family members before scheduling anything too concrete.
4. OFFLOAD SOME OF YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES TO MAKE TIME FOR RECOVERY.
Eating disorder recovery is a job in itself. Relearning how to eat intuitively, manage distressing emotions, and build a healthy relationship with food, exercise, and the body takes a lot of time, energy, and focus.
It makes sense, then, to offload some other responsibilities so you have the time and energy to work on recovery.
If you need to take time off of work or reduce the number of hours you work every week, look into your company’ leave of absence policies. Do you have job protection, and financial assistance for medical emergencies? You typically don’t have to reveal the reason you’re seeking assistance.
If you’re the parent who carpools to all the games, organizes all the family events or school functions, or takes on the majority of the household chores, offload some of those responsibilities. You don’t need to be responsible for all of these things.
Lean on family members for household matters, or hire someone to shop or clean for you if possible.
5. DEVELOP COPING SKILLS FOR WHEN LIFE GETS STRESSFUL.
One of the main reasons a person uses eating disorder behaviors is because they are a coping skill to use in times of stress.
Instead of running back to behaviors whenever there’s a problem in the family or someone comments on your body, learn some self-soothing skills for those periods of stress.
Your therapist or support group can help you come up with healthy coping skills.
6. ARRANGE TO EAT AROUND YOUR FAMILY, WHEN POSSIBLE.
When you’re ready for it, try to eat around your family.
Often, one of the greatest motivators in recovery is a child, so eating in front of them can give you strength and a sense of competency — you’ll recognize that you can do hard things.
You can also practice healthy eating habits around your children. This will help them learn how to eat intuitively as well, especially in the face of diet culture.
Should I tell my child I have an eating disorder?
This is the million dollar question for many parents, if they consider telling their child that they are struggling at all. Some parents decide to keep their eating disorder a secret from their children, even if it’s not the best move.
On the one hand, you want your child/children to believe you can handle anything that they need and that you will always be there for them. On the other hand, honesty is a valuable thing that should work two ways.
Children are more intuitive and observant than you may think, so they’ll probably sense that something is up, and it can be worth it to have an open conversation about what you’re dealing with. They could respect your openness and honesty so much that they’ll be more willing to come forth with their own struggles.
If you tell them, you can also offload a lot of the secrecy, shame, and guilt that eating disorders thrive on. Instead of feeling like a failure all the time, your children will understand that you’re not perfect — you’re human, and that’s okay. In fact, in a world where social media makes everything seem perfect, it can be refreshing to see that some things — especially when it comes to mental health — are not always perfect.
Related: This is how and why to talk to your child about eating disorders.
Consider including them in family therapy, if appropriate. Discuss this option with your therapist and other adult family members in the household.
Finally, if you talk to your children about eating disorders, then they can understand the risk factors and look out for any signs that they, too, are developing one. There is a genetic component to eating disorders, so it’s important for you and them to watch out for them.
You’re not “weak”, and you’re not alone.
A lot of parents really have no idea how many others are struggling — because we mostly talk about children with eating disorders.
It’s not shameful to admit you’re a parent with an eating disorder, or to get help for one. In fact, facing your eating disorder head on is one of the most mature and “adult” things you can do.
It’s also one of the best things you can do for your child. Recovery allows you to be fully present with your child.
If you or a loved one is suffering from an eating disorder, take the first step today and talk to someone about recovery or simply learn more about the holistic eating disorder recovery programs we offer.
