Changing Your Tone: How Negative Self-Talk Keeps You Trapped in Your Eating Disorder

Written by ‘Ai Pono Hawaii Staff Writer

Every once in a while, we all have harsh thoughts. You should have finished your assignment earlier. You are definitely going to get fired if you are late to work. Your friends do not actually like you all that much. These thoughts are, for most people, fleeting and easily resolved with a little bit of logic. For others, though, this kind of negative self-talk is constant, impacts day-to-day life, and can even throw some people off the road to depression or eating disorder recovery.

If you find yourself constantly thinking negative thoughts about yourself or your experiences, this post is for you. In it, you will find:

The definition of self-talk
Differences between positive and negative self-talk
The reasoning behind negative self-talk
How the statements you make about yourself can affect eating disorder recovery
How to end the cycle of negative self-talk and improve your overall experience of the world

Harsh, extreme thoughts are not normal, and they do not have to plague you forever. Consistently practice the things discussed in this article, and your negative self-talk will quiet over time.

What is self-talk?

Self-talk is the inner voice you have. In a sense, it is you talking to yourself. Self-talk plays a variety of roles, from instructing yourself on how to carry out a task, to random observations you have in your day-to-day life, to creating the narrative you see yourself in.

There are many ways self-talk may manifest, from thoughts, to facial expressions, to verbal words you say out loud to/about yourself.

Positive vs. Negative Self-Talk

Our thoughts shape our self-perception, and the perception of the world around us, more than any event or action.

For example, if you have a test coming up, you might tell yourself that you will definitely fail. Or, you might tell yourself that you have prepared to the best of your ability and you are prepared for success.

The first thought is an example of negative self-talk, while the second is positive self-talk.

Causes of Negative Self-Talk

Negative self-talk stems from cognitive distortions, or biased beliefs and perspectives we take on concerning ourselves and the world around us. These distortions are almost always negative.

Some people experience cognitive distortions once in a while, and it does not significantly impact their lives. However, consistent cognitive distortions — which result in negative self-talk — can impact you physically, mentally, and emotionally.

10 Cognitive Distortions Causing Negative Self-Talk

Mind Reading: Assuming you know what someone else is thinking without any real evidence
Overgeneralization: Habitually telling yourself that one bad thing will continue to happen in the future
Magnification: Exaggerating negative events, as well as your own flaws and mistakes
Minimization: Dismissing positive events, as well as your own strengths and positive qualities
Emotional Reasoning: Making decisions based on your emotions, rather than the facts of the situation
Black and White Thinking: Evaluating things only in extremes, without seeing any objective gray area
Personalization: Assuming responsibility for something that is mostly out of your own control
Fortune Telling: Predicting what will happen with little to no evidence to support your prediction
Labeling: Describing yourself in one extreme way, usually in a negative way
“Should” Statements: Trying to motivate yourself by what you should and shouldn’t do, setting yourself up for false expectations and guilt

Read this article for examples of cognitive distortions as they relate to negative self-talk.

Self-Talk and Eating Disorders: How are they related?

If there’s one thing you really need to recover, it’s the belief that recovery is possible for you. Another very helpful thing for recovery is the idea that there is a good life waiting for you after your eating disorder.

So, if you spend most of your time telling yourself that you are terrible, incapable of recovery, not worthy of recovery, that your real life won’t be better than the eating disorder you’re stuck in, etc., it’s just about impossible to really recover.

Negative self-talk can lead to depression, a lack of motivation, and is a tool your eating disorder uses to keep you trapped in a never ending cycle of eating disorder behaviors.

Positive self-talk, though, gives you the clarity and perspective you need to make a true, lasting recovery.

How to End the Cycle of Negative Self-Talk

1. Fact check your thoughts and perceptions.

We take a lot of our negative thoughts and perceptions for granted, as if they are facts.

For example, many people think that, because they’ve ruined a few dishes, they just can’t cook. However, this is both an overgeneralization and a magnification.

You might assume that because you’ve tried and failed to stop eating disorder behaviors before, you’ll be sick forever. This is also an overgeneralization and a magnification.

Failing a few times (or even many times) to stop disordered behaviors does not mean that you are never going to recover. If you’ve ever, even once, stopped yourself from listening to your eating disorder voice, then you are capable of recovery.

Any time you think that you just can’t do recovery, or any other extreme thought like this, slow down and think: “Is this a fair, objective statement? What makes me so sure that this is true? What evidence do I have to prove it? What evidence disproves it?”

As you practice mindfully analyzing your thoughts, you’ll find that many of them are not actually reasonable, objective statements.

Then, create more neutral, objective statements that fit the situation.

For example, if you do have a slip in your recovery, recognize two things. Recognize the fact that you do need to recalibrate your recovery efforts, and that you have made recovery-focused decisions in the past, so you can do it again.

You don’t have to beat yourself up for making mistakes — but it might be hard to have perfectly positive thoughts all the time. In these situations, a neutral statement is enough.

Related: Here’s the difference between a slip, lapse, and relapse in eating disorder recovery, plus how to get back to your recovery no matter how long you’ve started using behaviors again.

2. Validate your emotions. Then work to calm yourself.

Have you ever had a strong feeling and then thought something like, “This is stupid, I shouldn’t feel like this”?

This kind of negative self-talk works to invalidate your emotions and your experience. You might try to shut down your emotions — but they almost always come back up with more intensity if you try to push them down.

Instead of minimizing your feelings, or insulting yourself for even having feelings, validate them. Validate your experience and your emotions.

Then, work to shift those emotions into something more tolerable.

This is the core concept of dialectical behavioral therapy: your emotions and your experience are valid. But they can also change, especially if you change your perception of them.

3. Take note of the positive.

You may have a lot of great days in recovery, where you eat regularly and don’t use any eating disorder behaviors to “compensate” for the amount of food you are eating.

But despite all these positive days, you can’t help but think about the two times last week you slipped up and binged, or restricted, or used another behavior. You focus so hard on this, and tell yourself how your recovery is “ruined” because of these two blips, that you forget the positive entirely.

Focus on the positive in your recovery to build a sense of confidence and capability. Think about the positive things in your life, stack all of them up, and you might even find a sense of gratitude or motivation to keep on building the life you want.

To focus on the positive, even when everything seems really difficult or terrible:

At night, write down a few good things that happened during your day.
Sometime during the day, write down a few things that make you happy, or that you are glad exist in the world today. This could be anything: your cat, a good pair of headphones, a TV show, a nice pair of fuzzy socks — anything that makes you smile.
Ask people around you to tell you positive character traits you have, or things that you have accomplished. It’s easy to see the negative in ourselves, but our friends and family see us in a positive light. Listen to them, and not the nasty eating disorder voice in your head.

Eventually, you’ll learn to naturally focus more on the good things in life, rather than hyperfocusing on the bad.

4. Choose and use some positive affirmations.

Positive affirmations are positive statements that, when repeated, help you to combat negative self-talk.

For example, let’s say that you think no one will like you if you gain weight (which is absolutely not true!) A positive affirmation to combat this would sound like: “I am a unique and interesting person. My weight does not at all define me. In fact, it’s the least interesting thing about me.”

At first, you might not believe your positive affirmation, or that it feels silly to talk to yourself like this. However, the more you say your positive affirmations, the more you start to believe them. And the more you start to believe them, the truer they become, as your beliefs and perceptions shape your experiences and your whole inner world.

Here is how to write your own effective positive affirmations, plus some eating disorder recovery specific affirmations to inspire you.

DBT for Eating Disorders: Building a More Positive Outlook

Dialectical behavioral therapy is a core part of eating disorder treatment. This type of therapy will help you see the world more objectively, accept and tolerate painful emotions, and quiet the negative thoughts in your head.

Incorporate DBT techniques into your daily life, and work out the issues underneath your negative self-talk, and you will be that much closer to a happy, balanced life.

If you or someone you love is suffering from an eating disorder, take the first step today and talk to someone about recovery, or simply learn more about the eating disorder recovery programs we offer.

Ai PonoOctober 20, 2021