Identity Crisis: Who am I without my eating disorder?

Written by ‘Ai Pono Hawaii Staff Writer

When you’re in an eating disorder, it takes over a huge portion of your life. You spend so much time, energy, and mental space focused on keeping up rigid routines, or going through cycles of using behaviors and then trying to stop. Everything else in your life starts to slip away. Eventually, you may feel like your eating disorder is your identity — like it’s who you are.

So it’s normal in eating disorder recovery to feel like you’re lost, have no sense of self, no personality. You’re drifting from old behaviors, old disordered values — what do you do after they’re gone? While we can’t tell you exactly who you are when you’re in eating disorder recovery, we can guide you on how to build your own identity.

In this article, we’ll discuss:

• What identity is and how it forms
• The power of the stories you tell yourself about yourself
• How to write a new life story for yourself, one that you want to stick with
• How a recovery community can help you write your new life story

How does one develop an “identity”?

Forming a sense of identity was once thought to be something that happened when you were a teenager. The identity you formed by the end of your teenage years would stick with you for the rest of your days. However, as most of us have experienced, this is not usually the case. Psychologists also started to turn away from this theory of identity formation, because forming an identity is an active, lifelong process — it’s not something that happens just once.

In 2001, psychologist Danial P. McAdams brought forth a new, more lasting view of identity development than anyone before him: the life-story model of human identity.

The Life-Story Model of Human Identity

This theory says that individuals create stories about themselves by continuously weaving their own episodes and experiences selectively, choosing those that were most memorable and important to them. The individual then tells and retells those stories, and this reinforces them. They become more believable each time it’s told, whether it’s to someone else, or you retell it to yourself.

The process can really be broken down like this:

1. The “I” is the first person character who is living, doing things, and therefore creating experiences.
2. What I choose to do says something about me.
3. I have now decided that those episodes or periods of my life are memorable and so they make up who I am.

Here is an example of this process as it would happen to someone with an exercise disorder:

1. I spend a lot of time overexercising.
2. This thing that I do — overexercising — says something about me. It’s memorable and I did it for a long time. It must be what I value.
3. I must be the person who is always in the gym. It’s something I’ve always done, and so it defines me. Without the gym, what defines me? 

Because all you remember and all you thought about for so long was your eating disorder, you start to tell yourself your disorder is who you are. And for a while, you probably stuck with that story in your head. But in recovery, you don’t use the behaviors you used before. You don’t spend your time the same way. And while you may still think about and value your eating disorder in some way (which is also normal), you can see that it’s not worth holding onto. It’s not as valuable anymore.

If you don’t associate yourself with your eating disorder, you may feel empty. Who are you without it? How do you find out? Simple: You start with a new story.

Related: At ‘Ai Pono, we value the power of storytelling in eating disorder recovery. 

Your new story: who could you be in eating disorder recovery?

The life-story model of identity focuses on what you do, how you perceive yourself and your values, and how you take both to create a story about yourself. So there’s two key things here: actions and values. In eating disorder recovery, you do new things (or get back to old ones). And you start to value other things.

Pursuing new (or old) interests in eating disorder recovery.

You used to spend time on things that interested you, and those things added to your identity. Maybe you did art, went to college, or played a sport. You were a good sibling, or parent, or child. You had all of these things when your life wasn’t being run by an eating disorder.

You may also have things — huge or small, near or far off — that you really want to do. In recovery, you can really start to envision your future self and all the incredible things that future self would do.

What if you have no idea what you want to do in recovery?

Maybe you want nothing to do with your previous interests. And (totally normal) you may not have a grand vision about yourself. Journaling is a powerful tool that helps you figure out what you want your life to look like. Here’s a journaling activity you can do right now: Set a timer for five minutes. Without even thinking, write down whatever (positive) things come into your mind when you think about your future. As much as you can, do this with no inner judgment, no limitations, and no fear in your heart.

You may end up with huge goals, like climbing a mountain or traveling the world. You may end up with small goals, like being able to make a really great cup of coffee, or reading a book a week. The things that came out of your subconscious desires are part of the person you see yourself being in the future.

Once you start moving towards these goals, you’ll find your identity being less rooted in your eating disorder, and more on the things that make you feel closer to the person you want to be.

Your Values in Recovery

Your values also shape who you are. They will definitely change as you advance in your recovery. How do you decide what your values are and what you want them to be?

Here is another journaling activity you can do right now: 

Start off by drawing three (large-ish) circles.

1. Label one circle “In my Eating Disorder”. Divide the circle into pieces, each piece representing what you value while in your eating disorder. You may have other focuses or values, like family and friends or school, but it’s likely that the majority of your “value circle” is being filled by your eating disorder.
2. Label the second circle “In Recovery”, and do the same thing. (Ideally) a significant piece of your “value circle” is being taken up by your recovery process. Recovery takes time, work, and dedication. You have to value it, or you won’t stick to it. Some part of this second circle may be taken up by your eating disorder. This is normal — you’re still working on moving away from it.
3. And label the last one “Recovered”. Divide your “value circle” up into what your future, recovered self will care about. These can be general things, or can get very specific.

For more info about this technique, and finding your values in general, click here.

Finding your recovery community

You don’t have to go on the journey to self-discovery (or re-discovery) alone. There are entire recovery communities out there, filled with positive influences. Let them inspire you, and take notes on how they went about discovering themselves. Talk to them about recovering your identity. And let the recovery community be a source of strength.

Related: Here is how you go about finding your tribe in eating disorder recovery. 

If you or a loved one is suffering from an eating disorder, take the first step today and talk to someone about recovery or simply learn more about the holistic eating disorder recovery programs we offer.