“I have chosen to shower myself in forgiveness. I have decided to bathe myself in absolutely breathtaking love.” ~ Alison Malee
Do you consider yourself an unforgiving person? I know I never did. That is, until I started recovering from my 4-years-long struggle with an eating disorder. Then I finally realized forgiveness was the one thing holding me back from true healing.
It was a hot spring day, closer to early summer, really. And I was at a baseball game with friends. We were way up high in the bleachers (the $5 nose-bleed section), when someone suggested we take a group photo. We all leaned in, smiled big. Later I saw the picture on social media—saw myself looking so out of place in a group of seemingly perfect, happy people, who had it all together, or so I thought—and in that moment I stopped forgiving.
For the next four years, I refused to forgive myself for not being “good enough.” For not having the “right” body, for not going to the “right” college, for how I dealt with my parents separating, for having a stress-induced breakdown during college finals, for a fight with my boyfriend, for not pursuing a “good enough” degree, for an awkward conversation, for getting a “B” on a paper, for not looking “good enough” (whatever that means), for overeating, for not being productive enough, for traveling across the world to study abroad but staying holed up in my room most of the time because I wasn’t eating, for not having enough friends, for always feeling the way I did, for being stuck and not knowing the way out…
Someone once said, “To be human is to be beautifully flawed.” But I couldn’t forgive myself for being human and flawed, and until I could learn self-forgiveness, I would continue to engage in punishing, ED behaviors and never fully recover.
Why Forgiveness Is Important
You may be thinking, what’s the big deal with forgiveness and why is it so important for ED recovery? EDReferral, one of the largest eating disorder referral and information centers, recently cited a study concerning eating disorders and self forgiveness.
The study found that women with eating disorders had lower levels of self forgiveness than women without eating disorders. This discovery supports the idea that although eating disorders are complex illnesses brought on by a mixture of biological and environmental factors, there’s often an underlying cycle of shame, guilt, and self loathing—or the belief that we don’t deserve to be happy, loved, or accepted the way we are—that fuels and perpetuates ED behaviors. The study concluded that clinical outcomes of ED treatment could be improved if self forgiveness interventions were added into current eating disorder treatment approaches. In other words, clinical studies support the idea that self forgiveness is an important step in eating disorder recovery.
Other scientific studies have found that forgiveness has tremendous mental health benefits like reducing depression, decreasing anger, awakening hopefulness, increasing emotional self-confidence, and more.
Forgiveness and Healing are Intertwined
In The Book of Forgiving, Desmond Tutu says “The only way to experience healing and peace is to forgive. Until we can forgive, we remain locked in our pain and locked out of the possibility of experiencing healing and freedom.” Even if we successfully change and modify our ED behaviors, until we find self-forgiveness, we won’t experience true freedom or long-term healing, for without forgiveness, we remain at the mercy of the lies, shame, and hurt of our past.
So how can we break the cycle of self-blame, guilt, and shame and find freedom and deep healing in self forgiveness? I’m not going to lie to you, forgiveness is not always easy. But it is always worth it. If you want to take your ED recovery to a deeper level and begin to walk in the freedom of self-forgiveness, here is one simple step you can take to start forgiving yourself today…
Practice Ho’oponopono
Before you stop reading because “how do you even say that word?” hear me out. Ho’oponopono is the ancient Hawaiian practice of living in forgiveness. This ancient practice holds to the belief that if a person carries guilt and shame inside them, they will eventually grow ill and become unwell. Sounds a little like the shame-guilt cycle that often perpetuates eating disorder behaviors, doesn’t it?
Part of the Ho’oponopono practice involves a healing ceremony to cleanse away guilt, shame, and unforgiveness so the offended person can once again live in forgiveness. This mantra is recited during the ceremony: “I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you.”
Practical Ways to Incorporate Ho’oponopono Into Your Recovery
Today, sit in front of a mirror (or if that’s too hard during recovery, simply close your eyes) and repeat the Ho’oponopono mantra five times slowly to yourself: “I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you.” (It might feel a little weird at first, but be patient.)
Now sit quietly and consider if there’s anything you’re sorry about or need to forgive yourself for. Did anything come to mind when you said the mantra? If so, maybe just focus on one or two things for now and let the others go. With those two things in mind, repeat the mantra five more times. As you ask yourself for forgiveness, feel the shame and hurt release.
Next, think of two things you are grateful for and love about yourself (example, “I’m grateful for my persistence and my intuition, I love my humor, etc.), then repeat the mantra five more times with these two things you’re grateful for/love about yourself in the front of your mind.
Studies have found that what we say often enough to ourselves soon becomes our truth. If we speak words of shame and guilt over ourselves, our minds begin to believe that and act upon it. Alternatively, if we rewrite the narrative of our minds with words of self-forgiveness and compassion (like the Ho’oponopono forgiveness mantra), we will soon begin to see a shift occur. Though you may not believe or resonate with the words yet, be patient and use the Ho’oponopono mantra as a daily tool to cleanse your heart and mind from guilt and shame and discover the freedom and healing of self forgiveness.
Need Help on Your Eating Disorder Recovery Journey?
Here at Ai Pono Hawaii, we believe complete healing from your eating disorder is possible for everyone, but that true healing will only come if we get to the root of the struggle. Instead of focusing on temporary, behavioral fixes, we help women find hope and healing by guiding them towards full recovery that heals both their bodies and their minds. As our founder, Dr. Anita Johnston says, “To be free, we must change the way we see, not the way we look.”
If you or a loved one are struggling with an eating disorder and want to find complete mind and body healing, we would love to be part of your journey to recovery. Find out more about our recovery programs and to discover what types of disorders we treat.
