People with eating disorders really tend to judge themselves harshly for having or falling back into an eating disorder. If you’re one of those people, you’ve probably noticed how shame, guilt, fear, and regret can hinder your recovery.
There are two secret ingredients for If you want to improve your chances of eating disorder recovery, and improve the recovery experience: curiosity and non-judgment.
Keep reading this post to learn more about how to incorporate both curiosity and non-judgment into your recovery.
Curiosity and Eating Disorders: What can curiosity do for your recovery?
Many people suffering with an eating disorder experience so many negative thoughts and feelings when they start recovery, ones that they would rather just shut away instead of leaning into.
But there can be something beneath all those dark thoughts we have and the dark aspects of ourselves. There is value in allowing ourselves to explore what’s inside, in bringing all our unconscious thoughts into the light.
The best way to understand the idea of approaching your inner self with curiosity is through the story of Pandora’s box, which Dr. Anita Johnson, founder of the ‘Ai Pono Eating Disorder Treatment Program, explains in this blog post.
Pandora was the first woman. She was given many gifts from the gods, including the gift of curiosity from the goddess Hera. Within a box or container Hephaestus, the blacksmith of the gods, added the dimension of time — the ability to conceive of the past, present, and future. In the original story, the container was within Pandora’s body.
Pandora was not to open this box, or — in the original story — to open up what lingered within herself. If she did, she would suffer great and horrible consequences.
However, the gift of curiosity was too strong, and she opened the box. Within the box, Pandora saw the realities of sickness and death, regret and loneliness, and a number of other horrors that caused feelings of fear, sadness, and rage in her.
She wanted to slam the lid on the box and forget the darkness she witnessed. However, there was something underneath all the pain and suffering, something that made her pause.
It was hope.
That hope explained to her that, if she were to allow all that imagined darkness and evil to come to consciousness, she could meet those feelings and perceptions with healing, light, compassion, and forgiveness.
This ancient myth exists to tell us how important it is to look into ourselves, to open ourselves up to what we think is dark and horrifying. It’s only through approaching our inner selves with curiosity that we can find the hope and light underneath the darkness, the hope and light that will bring you closer to true eating disorder recovery.
Using curiosity to break out of the “safety” of your eating disorder
Your eating disorder voice creates a false sense of safety to keep you trapped in what seems like a never-ending cycle of eating disorder behaviors. It becomes so strong that you act on auto pilot, listening to what your eating disorder voice tells you to do instead of questioning why you are doing any of the things you do.
The next time you start to automatically perform an eating disorder behavior such as weighing yourself in the morning or reaching for a “safe food” instead of listening to your body’s wants and needs, pause.
Use that pause to question why you’re about to use a behavior. Try to approach this question in wise mind, rather than letting your eating disorder mind take over.
By approaching your behaviors with curiosity, rather than fear or self-judgment, you might find that your behaviors aren’t as useful or sense-making as your eating disorder says they are.
That can help you decide whether it’s worth performing the behavior, or whether you should hold off on it.
If nothing else, questioning your thoughts and behaviors, rather than judging them, will provide you with some clarity about what your eating disorder does for you, and whether your eating disorder really is the safety net that it seemed to be before you started consciously questioning it.
Related: This is the difference between safe foods and fear foods, plus how to develop an “all foods fit” mentality.
Stop “fortune telling”
People with eating disorders have many cognitive distortions, including fortune telling. Fortune telling is the act of thinking you know the outcome of a given situation without actually analyzing the facts of the situation.
For example, someone with an eating disorder may assume that if they eat a fear food, they will gain a significant amount of weight.
However, this is a form of fortune telling, as many “if/then” statements are.
Instead of blindly assuming you know what will happen if you act against your eating disorder, approach each scenario with curiosity. Seriously ask yourself whether the consequences of not engaging in an eating disorder behavior make sense, and whether a person without an eating disorder would believe your “if/then” statement.
This can help you decide whether eating disorder thoughts are true, whether a certain reaction to a situation makes sense, and — hopefully — prevent you from engaging in eating disorder behaviors.
Non-Judgment and Self Compassion in Eating Disorder Recovery
A huge barrier to starting recovery is the amount of shame, anger, and disappointment that you feel towards yourself, as well as the disappointment that you might assume others will feel towards you once they learn what you are hiding.
But instead of judging yourself, which always makes recovery more difficult, show yourself the same compassion you have shown to other people who have struggled.
Don’t judge your past thoughts and actions. Simply appreciate that you’re showing up now.
NON-JUDGMENT DURING A SLIP OR RELAPSE
There can be even more shame and fear of judgment in moments where you slip or even relapse in your recovery. People often judge themselves so harshly in these times, rather than looking at all the progress they have made from when they first started recovery.
Shame can make a person feel like they have “failed” at recovery or are just too broken to ever fully recover. Unfortunately, many people give up on trying to get back on track with recovery, allowing themselves to fall deeper into eating disorder behaviors, simply because they are too ashamed to ask for help again, to admit that they are not “perfect.”
However, judging yourself — and fearing judgment from others — will not help you in recovery.
Instead of thinking about all the ways you “could have” maintained your recovery, or about how many steps you think you’ve taken backwards, approach a slip or relapse with curiosity.
Without judgment, ask yourself:
- What contributed to this past slip or relapse in my recovery?
- What helped me get back on the path to recovery in the past?
- What needs to change now in order to reset my recovery?
- How can I support myself, and how can others help, in order to get back on track?
In doing this, you will give yourself a sense of direction and purpose, rather than an overwhelming, useless sense of shame about your current struggle.
Related: Read more on the difference between a slip, lapse, and relapse in eating disorder recovery, and what you can do to get back on the path to recovery today.
JUDGING YOURSELF FOR HAVING, OR FALLING BACK INTO, AN EATING DISORDER IS NOT USEFUL.
It’s also not fair to you. Think of the other people you know who have struggled. Instead of judging them, you showed them compassion. You might have even questioned, with curiosity, what caused their struggle and what they need.
Show yourself the same level of curiosity and non judgment in eating disorder recovery. It’s much more helpful than allowing shame and guilt to rule your life.
If you or a loved one is suffering from an eating disorder, take the first step today and talk to someone about recovery or start by learning about the eating disorder recovery programs we offer.
